im you but weaker

###MULTIPLE CHARGES LAID AGAINST CORBETT AS TRIAL CONTINUES INTO DAY TWO Tensions are high on day two of the Alexander Corbett trial, when the defence will cross-examine the Crown's key witness, ______. Yesterday, Corbett pleaded 'not guilty' to charges of battery, abuse, and being an all-around absolute turd. _____ looked calm this morning when escorted to [[the courtroom->Inside the Courthouse]] but _____ faces a massive challenge on the stand, where they will be interrogated by Romy Helleri, one of the country's top attorneys.

HELLERI: You became friends with the defendant early on in your college life, correct? YOU: Yes. HELLERI: When did you meet? {(either: "YOU: During Frosh Week.", "YOU: At our first class together.", "YOU: At a party.")} HELLERI: And according to your earlier statements, you often had classes together? Passed notes and joked around? YOU: Yes. HELLERI: Tell the court about this [[note->The Note]]. Please read it out loud.

HELLERI: Tell me about Thanksgiving. {(either: "YOU: Thanksgiving is when you get together with family, and depending on the election cycle, yell at each other about politics, or fall asleep eating or watching football. Sometimes all three.", "YOU: Thanksgiving is a colonialist holiday commemorating the launch of the cultural genocides of the first peoples in the Americas, and is celebrated only by pigs and fools.", "YOU: ...")} HELLERI: Tell me about the one in October 20xx. You went home that year, I see. YOU: I visited my parents' home. HELLERI: Did you see your boyfriend? YOU: Yes. HELLERI: What can you tell the court about the term, [['turkey drop'?->The Dumpening]]

HELLERI: Tell us about the alleged [[choking incident]].

HELLERI: You had witnesses that time, didn't you? YOU: I had them last time too. JUDGE: Answer the question. YOU: Yes. Two friends. HELLERI: Can you explain to the court this '[[Head Punching]]' game?

HELLERI: So, we've reached January 20xx. Let me sum up for the court. You and my client, Alexander Corbett, met in September 20xx at college and became friends. You broke up with your boyfriend, and allegedly got romantically involved with my client. He allegedly choked you to near-unconsciousness, in front of witnesses. He also allegedly hit you multiple times with a closed fist, again in front of a witness. Is this correct? YOU: Allegedly. HELLERI: Is this a correct summary of events so far? YOU: Yes. HELLERI: Yet, you never contacted the police, or a doctor. If you had been hit as hard as you claim, you were very likely concussed. YOU: (either: "Maybe I was too brain-injured to do anything smart like that.", "[sigh heavily]", "I don't know.") HELLERI: Let's continue into [[January->Drinking Game]], then. Skip ahead to: [there is no february] [[March]] [[April]]

HELLERI: Tell us about [[the drinking game.]]

HELLER: And you never spoke with my client again? YOU: HELLER: You spoke on the phone with him, on the night of April 2-13, 20XX didn't you? YOU: Not on purpose.(click-replace: "Not on purpose.")[He tricked me.](click-replace: "He tricked me.")[For like five seconds.](click-replace: "For like five seconds.")[Not on (text-style: "blur")[purpose].] HELLER: [[Describe what happened.]]

COURT CLERK: Order in the court. The honourable Madame Justice presiding in the case of //Regina versus Corbett//. JUDGE: You may be seated. Are all parties present? CROWN: Present, my Lady, acting on behalf of [[Her Majesty, the Queen]]. DEFENCE: My Lady, Romy Helleri present, and acting on behalf of the the accused, [[Mr. Alexander Corbett]]. JUDGE: Thank you. Defence, are you ready to proceed with your cross-examination? HELLERI: I am. JUDGE: [[Your witness, then->recess]].

HELLERI: I'd like to revisit a few key events you talked about yesterday. We're going to do this month by month. Let's start with [[September]]. Skip ahead to: [[October->Let's Move on]] [[November]] [[December]] [[January]] [there is no february] [[March]] [[April]]

YOU: //[[are silent->The witness is silent]]// HELLERI: Do you have something to hide? JUDGE: [[Answer the question.->Give a straight answer]]

YOU: Angry, probably? HELLERI: Can you be more specific? YOU: The note was presumptuous, especially from someone I hardly knew at the time. It was like walking up to a woman in a bar and telling her not to drink because she might be pregnant. HELLERI: But you forgave him? YOU: I don't understand the question. HELLERI: Multiple witnesses report you visited Alex's dorm room on September (random:15,25). Can you tell us more about that? YOU: Yes. I was checking on him, because there had been a few complaints about the noise. [[He was listening to System of a Down]]. [[He was listening to Fall Out Boy]]. [[He was listening to Tenacious D]].

YOU: What are you, my therapist? JUDGE: Might I remind the witness of the oath sworn yesterday to truthfully answer all questions within reason? CROWN: I object to the question. JUDGE: Overruled. The witness has already acknowledged the question, and [[must answer.->Give a straight answer]]

''September 20xx'' You have to wait for a break between songs for your knock to be heard over Serj Tankian's ear melting range, but Alex comes to the door and lets you in. The conversation waxes and wanes between songs, and you trace patterns in the carpet, thinking about punk and politics. "Those pants make your ass look hot," he says at some point. [[just dumb stuff, right?->Did you know?]]

''September 20xx'' You knock, but there's no answer. The music gets louder. [[you go back to your room->Did you know?]] (text-style: "subscript")[//i'm just a notch in your bedpost but you're just a line in my code//]

''September 20xx'' At your knock, the door opens and Alex invites you in. You spend a pleasant evening comparing the relative coolness of "Tribute" to "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" without coming to a concrete resolution. He compliments the pants you're wearing.(click-append: "the pants you're wearing")[ which makes you feel good] Late at night, you admit you think Jack Black is kind of sexy, and he laughs at you.(click-append: "he laughs at you")[ which makes you feel bad] [[nothing important, right?->Did you know?]]

HELLERI: Hmm. [[October]]. So much material to get through before we're finished. Skip ahead to [[November]] [[December]] [[January]] [there is no february] [[March]] [[April]]

''October 8-14 20xx'' "I don't understand," Mark says again, cutting his half of the cake into smaller and smaller pieces. //stop,// you think, infuriated at the waste of good chocolate, //i'll eat it//. It seems more than a little callous to outright state you still have an appetite. "I don't think there's anything to get," you say, for the third time. "We've got different goals in life. We're both different people than we were in high school." //you're not ambitious enough.//(click-replace: "you're not ambitious enough.")[//i'm not attracted to you.//](click-replace: "i'm not attracted to you.")[//my parents hate you.//] These and a million other unkind thoughts run through your mind. To keep yourself from blurting them out, you say, "It's not your fault. I just want something different." Mark bursts into tears. Your waitress hovers just out of range, torn between asking if you needed help and wanting to get the fuck away from a grown ass man crying into a $16 dollar slice of cake.(click-append: "slice of cake.")[(text-style: "subscript")[(years later you'll console a grieving friend at a restaurant, telling her people will think you're breaking up with her, and you'll both start laughing hysterically, even as you feel a little guilty)]] You beckon the server over. "Do you need anything else?" [["We'll get our coffee to go,"]] [["Is there some kind of back door, or bathroom window I can escape from?"]] [["Just the bill, please."]]

You flash your most apologetic smile at her. "I'll come settle up at the till. Wait here?" you say to Mark, who nods, not trusting his voice. "If I remember who gave me the advice to do this in a public place to avoid a scene, I will slam dunk them in a toilet," you mutter as you followed the waitress, weaving through densely packed, tiny tables of the patio. "It happens here a lot," she says. "Don't feel too bad. Usually it's the girl crying though." "As a general rule, I try to avoid it." Ha! "Thanks," you tell her when she hands you the cups. You leave the counter with the enthusiasm of a condemned prisoner, albeit one with coffee. //how much worse can it get?// you wonder as you go [[back]] to the table.

She laughs, shooting Mark a nervous glance, but he's deaf to everything but his own private misery. You don't want to be cruel, but you are irritated, (mouseover-append: "irritated")[ the same way you get when reading about a dude doing an idiotic thing, despite warning signs everywhere, and then being surprised when he gets electrocuted, or swept away by a high tide, or mauled by a mountain lion.] //if this was a surprise, you weren't paying attention.// You pay the whole tab, figuring it's the least you can do after everything, and the waitress takes you through the kitchen door where a chef is having a smoke and a brawny guy with a truly amazing mustache wheels beer kegs up a ramp. "I'm meeting some friends at the Mix tonight," you say, painfully aware she's just seen you break up with someone. "If you come by, I owe you a drink." She smiles. "Maybe I will."(set: $waitressdate to "yes") You're pretty sure her smile never reaches her eyes as you turn around to go [[back]].

You settle up in silence, every mechanical whirr and beep of the debit machine as long as a funeral service and twice as painful. Mark stands when you do. "I'm sorry," you tell him, and to your surprise, it's true. He may not have seen this coming but you could have been more open about being unhappy. It didn't have to be this way, and it was your fault, not his. "I have to [[go->back]]."

HELLERI: Why did you break up with your high school boyfriend at that time?" (either: "YOU: It felt shittier to break up with him at Christmastime.", "YOU: I didn't want to break up over the phone.", "YOU: Because waiting any longer would have killed me inside.") HELLERI: And there was no one else in your life? YOU: I didn't cheat on him, if that's what you're implying. HELLERI: I never imply. But you //did// have your next boyfriend in mind. YOU: Or girlfriend. HELLERI:{(if: $waitressdate is "yes")[ Did the waitress meet you that night at the bar? I think not.]} No, you had someone very particular in mind. But he was already seeing someone, wasn't he? Let's talk about Halloween, about 3 weeks after your break up. Your costume looks homemade. What is it? YOU: I don't remember. Some kind of bird, or fairy maybe. HELLERI: No angel. See? No halo. (mouseover-append: "No halo.")[(text-style: "subscript")[there's a smirk plastered on Alex's burlap face, and you'd pay a lot of money right now to cut it off.]] [[She considers the photos.]]

Whimsical Photo(click-replace: "Whimsical Photo")[you're standing on table in a bar, hands forked into claws. tattered netting flares out from your shoulders like wings.] Wistful Photo(click-replace: "Wistful Photo")[you're in a group of three girls, with your arms around each other. you can't remember their names any more. you're all beckoning to alex, off to the side, laughing.] Embarrassing Photo(click-replace: "Embarrassing Photo")[one of your friends has his arms wrapped around someone in a full-body spandex suit. it leaves nothing to the imagination.] HELLERI: Neither you, nor my client are in the final picture. Can you tell the court what transpired? YOU: [[I'd been looking forward to Halloween for weeks,]]

''October 25-31 20xx'' It's one of your favourite holidays, and this is the first year you can legally go to the bar. A whole group of you plan the night at a few different bars, all within walking distance of each other. Your stomach churns as you paint your face and tease out your hair. You came back after Thanksgiving, feeling sick and exhilerated about confessing your feelings, only to find out he started dating someone while you were gone. It sucked, and you cried a little. But it wasn't the only reason you broke up with Mark, and you try to make the best of it. You ask a few people out and some even accept. You're meeting one of them later tonight. You tell a girlfriend while waiting for the cabs to the bar, and she high fives you. "Get it, you lucky little shit," she says, and sighs. "I've never slept with a guy who was funny //and// hung." Alex is drunk before you even get to the first pub. "Girlfriend troubles," one of your friends mutters when he notices Alex is making a sweaty fool of himself on the dance floor, dancing alone. "Cheating, I bet." "Ah," you nod, feeling a vague sense of smugness you are not a cheater. [[The night goes downhill from there.->It didn't get better.]]

HELLERI: Did you know he had feelings for you at the time? YOU: No. HELLERI: But you found out around that time? YOU: (either: "One of my friends told me.", "One of his friends told me.", "He told me.") HELLERI: That's all...[[for September->Let's Move on]] at least.

Sometime between bars two and three, he asks you, sour and slurring, what you had to be so happy about. //i'm not ashamed,// you tell yourself before saying you're meeting someone later. "I'm real happy for you," but the way he spits the words at your feet like poison. After that, you (either: "talk about your hook up with anyone who'll listen", "make a countdown on your phone of the time left till your date", "keep to yourself, feeling small and angry"). You contemplate canceling when you get to the second-to-last pub. You hang up the phone twice before you finish dialing. //you ditched me first!// you want to scream at Alex. //you didn't owe me anything, and you don't own me now!// How dare he spoil something.(click-append: "spoil something")[(text-style: "subscript")[ you might as well drink sour milk, complain of the taste, and then pour it into your cereal anyway. and you do. but later]] You're rubbing the face of your phone when it buzzes in your hand. Startled, you flip it open. It's your date. "I'm sorry," he says, "Something's held me up at work. I'll be about an hour late. Can we meet at my place?" That's fine, you say. You'll call if your plans change. All you can think of is how you will look like a liar and a fool to everyone, especially Alex. Except [[he isn't around.->he wasn't around.]]

You find him beneath the fire escape, a cigarette burnt to the filter in one hand and his cell phone in the other. There's a half-empty bottle between his knees. [["She broke up with me," he says.->"She broke up with me," he said.]] [["I broke up with her," he says.->"I broke up with her," he said.]] "That sucks." You look at your boots. You never know what to say in these kinds of situations. "She was a cheating bitch, anyway, right from the start," he replies, and tosses away the dying smoke. "It's for the best." But he doesn't move from the trash he crouches in,(mouseout-append: "he crouches in,")[ under the fire escape,](mouseout-append: "under the fire escape,")[ on an empty bar patio.] You gather the compassion in your body, hunting for the right thing to say. [["If you knew that, why date her at all?"->Cheater]] [["Maybe it's for the best."->Buck Up]] [["Do you always have to bring everyone down with you?"->The FallOut Boy]]

(set: $dumped to "she broke up with me")"I figured," you say. "Usually the Dumper isn't the one having a beer alone in the trash." He cuts you a poisonous look and you hold up your hands. "Sorry. Two beers." [[<-->he wasn't around.]]

(set: $dumped to "i broke up with her")"I figured," you say. "So why are you out here, drinking a beer in the trash pile?" He shoots you a cutting glance, and you hold your hands up in surrender. "Sorry. Two beers." [[<-->he wasn't around.]]

He looks up. "You had to expect this would happen." //lay down with the dogs, and get up with fleas,// you think, but it seems too shitty to say out loud, even for you. "You knew she was a cheater from day one." His face crumples like a paper bag in a campfire, something between anger and guilt. "I thought I could save her," he says into his beer. "She isn't yours to save," you reply. "No one is responsible for another person's soul. When you're done throwing yourself a pity party, you might realize that.(if: $dumped is "she broke up with me")[ Maybe //she// realized that and didn't want to be saved by you, or anyone. Maybe she's got her own journey.]" "Thanks for the words of comfort," Alex says, scowling. You shrug, brushing off your costume and his attitude alike. "What do you want me to say? 'Poor baby, what a bitch'? You're not ready to hear what I have to say right now, but I hope in the future you'll remember it." You stalk through to bar to the front vestibule and call yourself a cab. You're tired of this shit. [[You'd rather be around someone who valued you for yourself for a little while.]]

"How could you know that?" he asks. "You were miserable with her. Everyone could see it; I know at least two of your friends tried to talk you out of it." "Jealous?" You shrug. "At first, yeah. But it wasn't my place to be upset about it. I moved on." You ignore Alex mock-fellating his beer bottle with a studied patience. You don't expect him to see your side of things after numerous heated discussions(mouseover-replace: "discussions")[arguments] about casual sex. "Sit here and mope, then. But your friends miss you in there. Why not try and enjoy yourself for a little bit?" He drops the spit-covered empty bottle into the trash heap, where it shattered with a (text-style: "shudder")[//tinkle//]. "What about you?" "Am I enjoying myself? Am I your friend?" "Both, I guess." "I'm enjoying myself less than I was. And believe it or not, I am your friend. Sometimes that means saying things people don't always want to hear. If I hated you, I'd coddle your little pity party,(mouseover-append: "little pity party,")[ maybe use that vulnerability to get you into bed.]" "That's nasty," he said. "Good thing I'm not doing it then, huh?" You brush off your costume. "Have a good night." He says something like (text-style: "subscript")['doubtful'], but you turn away and open your phone. Fuck waiting around. [[You'd rather be around someone who valued you for yourself for a little while.]]

He flips you the bird. "Fuck you," he says, in case you don't quite get the message. "It's Halloween. Everyone is having a good time. So you broke up. Big deal. You were miserable in that relationship. Find someone dressed like (either: "that chick from Ghost World", "an iPod", "a skimpily dressed rabbit", "a creepy rabbit", "Shakira", "a Tenenbaum", "Spongebob Squarepants", "Napoleon Dynamite") and dance your face off, instead." "Not all of us can just jump into the sack with Dick McLargeHuge, or whatever. I have morals." He drop kicks one of the bottles with a hollow (text-style: "rumble")[//thonk//]. "First: did I say that? Second: Grow up, Alexander. Someday you'll realize that there's more to morality and human decency than the Puritanical bullshit your church (text-style: "blurrier")[beats] into you." You brush off your costume, and his attitude, "Take my advice or not, I don't care. Just leave some room for the Holy Ghost if you do." "Get fucked!" "I plan to," you mutter, flipping open your cell to call a cab. [[You'd rather be around someone who valued you for yourself for a little while.]]

YOU: I left early. Didn't see a point in sticking around when I wasn't welcome. HELLERI: Did your friends know? YOU: They knew I was leaving. HELLERI: They were aware of the fight between you and my client, then(click-append: "client, then")[. (the courtroom is so quiet you can hear her claws scrape paper as she considers her files. the nails are painted a (colour: #4d0000)[deep red, almost black)]]. YOU: I didn't think of it as a fight. Just a difference of opinion. HELLERI: And you met someone after? YOU: Yes. HELLERI: Did you have sex with that person? YOU: (either: "Pardon?", "Excuse me?", "Who gives a shit?") HELLERI: Your conversations that night imply you were in a sexual relationship with the person you met that night. Is that true?(click-append: "Is that true?")[ your eyes are lasers drilling into your counsels sleepy, sheep-like face. //say something!// where will it stop? what brand of condoms do you use? was it silicon or water based lube? did anyone bang on the floor with a broomstick and yell at you to "Keep it down!"?] CROWN: Objection. The question is immaterial. JUDGE: Sustained. HELLERI: I withdraw the question. Let's talk about [[November]]. Skip ahead to: [[December]] [[January]] [there is no february] [[March]] [[April]]

''November 11-17 20xx'' You swipe into your dorm building, clutching your latest essay in one fist. An A! Elated you didn't just survive midterm season, but did well. [[Alex->how are things doing]] isn't in the same class section, but you want to compare notes with him, especially since he picked a different topic, and you helped edit. His room door is open. Alex is turned away from you, talking to two other guys who live in the building: Shayne(click-append: "Shayne")[: dark haired, soft spoken]; jocky Colin(click-append: "Colin")[: Aussie accent, blue eyes]. You hold your finger to your lips and wave to them, before you pivot at the waist and hip-check Alex. Completely oblivious to your presence, he falls forward, catching himself on the bed's headboard. The three of you burst out laughing, even as the laugh was knocked out of you with a hard //whump// as Alex sweeps a leg into the back of your knees and tumbles you to the hard floor. "Ha..." you wheeze, struggling to draw air into your lungs. [[You never had a chance.->Ready?]]

awake suddenly. none of that dozy morning warmth. middle of the night. (text-style: "smear")[dark]. see metal gleaming but how? the metallic rasp of a lighter, close to his face. smell oil as gun touches cheek. want to flinch but can't. muscles locked away in prison. he cuts. he bruises. hair is tugged out, burnt. nails pierced. ears ring with blows. he faces away. lighter in your hand. collide with his back like a meteor strike. pin his hand, the one with the gun, and hold flame to it. good lighter. doesn't go out. skin (text-style: "smear")[blackens] and curls, as you scream everything inside you all at once. he provides the descant, shrieks that turn into sobs, set in time to your heartbeat. [[<--> you thought]]

(text-style: "rumble")[air!] it floods your aching lungs. he lifts himself to his knees, easing the weight off your chest. His face is red, his voice high and rough. "What the hell? Why didn't you submit before I nearly killed you?" [[you stare at him in disbelief->stare at him in disbelief]]. [[you close your eyes; you can't deal with this right now->close your eyes; you can't deal with this right now]]. [[you shove him off->shove him off]].

you're not sure if the image of queen Liz #2 getting body slammed into a pool table is funny or not. suffice it to say, she probably has not been, and you definitely were, so it strikes you as faintly ridiculous she is somehow the injured party in this [[court case->Inside the Courthouse]].

a suit filled with lady beetle corpses.(click-replace: "lady beetle corpses")[crumpled essays](click-replace: "crumpled essays")[smudged notes] face made of lumpy canvas, drywall fingers, a lap like a broken down couch. a well-dressed cat stands next to him.(click-append: "stands next to him.")[ when the cat grins, it displays a mouth full of shark teeth.] (text-style: "shudder")[adrenaline] fills you, seeing him, a seething caldera pumping molten lava into your veins. As the [[court formalities->Inside the Courthouse]] drone on, it leaves cooling pathways of black glass through your body.

what does it matter what you feel? feelings aren't facts. better to say nothing, and let her play [[her little game->Say nothing]].

"are you fucking joking? you nearly killed me, alex!" He stands up, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck. "I would've stopped when you passed out." you strain every tortured muscle in your torso to sit, but you manage it.(click-append: "manage it")[ (colour: " #e6e6ff")[to your dismay, you hadn't imagined the piss]] you can't even form words, you're so angry. all you want to do is leave, but you need a few more minutes to savour the air in your lungs(mouseout-append: "air in your lungs")[, dusty carpet, urine-soaked denim and all]. "Anyway, you [[started it]]."

you feel him stand up, but you continue to lie there, taking account of your body. ribs: a little sore. throat: hurts like heck. pride: shattered(mouseover-replace: "shattered")[(text-style: "shudder")[shattered]]. pants: wet.(mouseover-replace: "wet")[(text-style: "blurrier")[(colour: #80aaff)[wet]]] "I got the drop on you. Admit it." he holds a hand over you; the sword of Damacles. you lift your million-pound arm(live:3s)[ and take his hand](live:5s)[ and he hauls you to your feet]. your eyes are still closed when he kisses the tip of your nose. "Besides, you [[started it]]."

"What the hell is your problem?" he says. "you even need to //ask//? you tried to kill me!" He looks hurt, like you kicked his mother or slandered his puppy. "I would never do that. Ever." He grabbed your arms hard, but not hard enough to bruise.(mouseover-append: "bruise")[ (this time)] "I would've stopped. I thought you were playing!" "what?" you stare at him, trying to understand the words coming out of his mouth, because they surely aren't english. "When you knocked me over. You [[started it]]."

"fuck's sake, alex, i gave you a friendly shove. you know?" you two horse around all the time. He should've known. (mouseover-replace: "He should've known.")[You should've known.] "You shoved me over, in front of people. I had to get even." "yeah, well, you won. (either: "congratulations.", "your championship belt is in the mail.", "want to punch an old lady for your comeback?")" He pats you on the shoulder as he walks you to the door(mouseover-append: "door")[(text-style: "subscript")[(text-colour: "red")[ it's closed, after all]]]. "Give yourself //some// credit. I'm bigger and stronger, that's all. Against someone more your size, I'd bet on you." somehow, you don't feel comforted by thatat all. he hugs you before you [[leave->left]].

HELLERI: So, you admit that it was just horseplay? YOU:(either: "No!", "He said that, not me.", "Yes.") HELLERI: And you had a habit of "goofing off" together like this? Did your friends find your public displays of affection tiresome? YOU: They never said.(mouseover-append: "They never said.")[ { but what they never said told you everything.}] HELLERI: They never complained? Or, if the altercations were as violent as you claim, intervened? YOU: Either. HELLERI: Explain what happened during [[December]] exams. Skip ahead to: [[January]] [there is no february] [[March]] [[April]]

''December 20xx'' {(set: $study to (either: "palestine", "rwanda", "Hegel"))} hitting the books in the study lounge. tv rotates between music videos, wrestling and soap operas (mouseover-replace: "soap operas")[the US presidential election] depending on who controls the remote. tensions are high and you're all exhausted. "So I said, look, just because you make more than I do doesn't mean you get to treat me like shit, you know?" says Anna. "uh huh," you say. (if: $study is "palestine")[god, the balfour declaration is a nightmare. no wonder Palestine is such a mess. thanks a lot, britain.](else-if: $study is "Hegel")[you're fairly certain that Hegel is trolling you personally, with this Being is Being in the Beingness shit.] (else:)[it's a good thing the rwandan genocide is on the final exam, you didn't want to sleep tonight anyway.] oblivious to the disinterest in the room, Anna [[continues]].

I am a dragon, majestic at night. Hands bristle with talons, with my wings I take flight. Above all the villages, raining down death. Spouting hot fire with every breath. Born out of magic, unable to die, my friend bob is a ninja, he makes children cry. I once had a girlfriend, a harpie of sorts. She could cook decent chicken and wore booty shorts. Then one day she bought it, speared with a sword. But she wasn’t the brightest, when we spoke I got bored. So im not to distraught, im not to distressed. I have lots of gold, and its better than sex. Its all very shiny, I keep it at home. I dug several ditches, to protect it from gnomes. Thank god theyre tiny, and easily stuck. A supersized mouse trap would run out their luck. So I guess im a monster, well I am what I am. I drink liquor from bottles, not beer from a can. Cause beer makes me bloated, when I bloat I cant run. Which makes chasing midgets a little less fun. So there is my story, the life of a beast, now Im off to go burn down the whole middle east. Peace. apparently alex didn't know the difference between national socialism and communism we had this terp (interpreter) with us last night. he told us a bunch of stories about life here in afghanistan. turns out hes raped two women at gun point. you know, we joke about that kind of stuff alot at work, but actually hearing it from someone, i just got really mad. i want to beat that piece of shit. but i cant beat the terp. its bad for business... this place is so... strange. for a country so governed by rule of religion, theyre morally decrepit in every sense of the word. they wont eat pork, but theyll rape steal and kill without thinkking. screw saving these people. i would love to bring this guy to a liberal debate on our presence in this part of the world. yes, one of these poor helpless afghans. a rapist. see how many bleeding hearts would let him crash on their couch. next to their daughters room.... so much fun here, isnt it?

{(display: "Enemy")(display: "Log")(display: "You")}

{<div id="enemy">$ename HP: $ehp/$mhp. </div>}

<div id="you">You: $hp/100 {(if: $turn is "you")[ (link: "Punch")[ (set: $ehp to it - 0) (set: $atk to "Punch") (set: $atkdmg to 0) (set: $turn to "enemy") (set: $log to "atk") (goto: "Combat")] (link: "Struggle")[ (set: $ehp to it - 0) (set: $atk to "Struggle") (set: $atkdmg to 0) (set: $turn to "enemy") (set: $log to "atk") (goto: "Combat")] (link: "Kick")[ (set: $ehp to it - 0) (set: $atk to "Kick") (set: $atkdmg to 0) (set: $turn to "enemy") (set: $log to "atk") (goto: "Combat")] ] (elseif: $turn is "enemy")[ (link: "Continue")[ (set: $log to "enemy") (set: $turn to "you") (set: $hp to it - (either: $crush's 1st, $choke's 1st, $press's 1st)) (goto: "Combat")] ] (if: $hp <1)[(goto: "Lose")] (else-if: $hp <25)[(goto: "Tap Out")] </div>}

(link: "The Dragon attacks!")[ (set: $ehp to 200) (set: $mhp to 200) (set: $ename to "Dragon") (set: $turn to "you") (set: $hp to 100) (set: $eatk1 to 11) (set: $eatkname1 to "Crush") (set: $eatkflavour1 to "//I am a dragon, majestic at night.//") (set: $eatk2 to 28) (set: $eatkname2 to "Choke") (set: $eatkflavour2 to "//Hands bristle with talons, with my wings I take flight.//") (set: $eatk3 to 33) (set: $eatkname3 to "Press") (set: $eatkflavour3 to "//So I guess I'm a monster, well, I am what I am.//") (set: $crush to (a: $eatk1, $eatkname1, $eatkflavour1)) (set: $choke to (a: $eatk2, $eatkname2, $eatkflavour2)) (set: $press to (a: $eatk3, $eatkname3, $eatkflavour3)) (goto: "Combat")]

[[Someone-> you thought]] scratched two fingers on industrial carpet, next to your belly, and a million kilometres [[away->Double tap]].

{<div id="log"> (if: $log is "you")[Fight Back!] (elseif: $log is "atk")[You use '$atk' on the $ename, dealing $atkdmg damage.] (elseif: $log is "enemy")[The $ename uses '(either: $crush's 2nd, $choke's 2nd, $press's 2nd)' on you, and says "(either: $crush's 3rd, $choke's 3rd, $press's 3rd)"] </div>}

If you died, you wouldn't be testifying today, would you? [[Don't give up->Ready?]]!

(set: $action to it) (if:(history:) contains "bathroom")[(set: $bathroom to "locked")] ''January 15-31 20xx'' It is [[9PM]]. The small townhouse living room is crammed with [[people]]. (if: $drunk > 1)[(text-style: "blur")[The [[kitchen]] opens on your left]](else:)[The [[kitchen]] opens on your left], and a small [[bathroom]] on the right. The [[music]] makes it hard to hold conversation. { (if: $action >5)[(display: "Find Alex")] (elseif: $drunk >3)[(display: "Find Alex")]}

(set: $action to it + 1)(if: $drunk > 3)[ugh trashed before midnight, how embarrassing for you.](else:)[Traditional wisdom dictates the pre-party lets people get hammered on the cheap before heading out to the bar around 11PM. Despite night owl tendencies, you're not inclined to //start// the night waiting in line in sub-zero weather at 11PM, so you usually book it after the pre-party.] [[<-->Drinking Game]]

(set: $action to it + 1)(if: $drunk > 3)[whew lots of people in here. it's making you feel kinda sweaty and gross.](else:)[You like Kate a lot - cheerful, blonde, tends to see the good in everyone. Your opposite in every way. Aside from Kate, and Alex, you don't know very many people here very well. At best, they're acquaintances. At worst, antagonists.] [[Back->Drinking Game]]

(set: $action to it + 1)(if: $drunk > 3)[Maybe the kitchen isn't a good idea right now.](else:)[The kitchen is even more packed than the living room. The [[table]] shoved against the wall to the back is covered with [[drinks]]. Kate is in here, playing consummate hostess, and she tosses you a smile and a wave without losing a beat in her conversation with a tall, serious looking guy wearing glasses and a Kanga cap.] [[<-->Drinking Game]]

(set: $action to it + 1) (if: $bathroom is "locked")[The door won't open. Someone must be using the bathroom.] (else:)[There's no one in here. The last person to use the toilet didn't flush. Gross!(set: $bathroom to "unlocked")] [[<-->Drinking Game]]

(set: $action to it +1)(if: $drunk >3)[you have to shout to be heard over the <a href="https://playmoss.com/en/furybroad/playlist/i-m-you-but-weaker" target="_blank">music</A>.](else:)[<a href="https://playmoss.com/en/furybroad/playlist/i-m-you-but-weaker" target="_blank">music</A>'s a bit loud but you can't deny Kate's taste.] [[<-->Drinking Game]]

(set: $drunk to it)(set: $knife to "missing")Ahh, jello shots. A college freshman's best friend. Have one? [[Yes->Have One]] [[No->Have Two or More]]

(set: $drunk to it + 1) (either: "Hmm, cherry!", "Mmm, lime!", "Ugh, slimy!", "Ugh, grape.") No matter what anyone says, you can taste the vodka. The shot slides down your throat. [[Have another?->Have Two or More]] [[I'm done->table]]

(set: $drunk to it + 4)you're not sure how it happens, but four or five jello shots have found their way down your throat, and are wobbling dizzily in your gut. [[maybe time for a breather->table]]

you decide it's a good idea to find Alex. [[oh there he is.->Oh, there he is.]]

The table is littered with half-full [[drinks]], crumpled paper cups, a few cellphones, and a knife for cutting lemon slices.(if: $knife is "missing")[(click-replace: "a knife for cutting lemon slices.")[(colour: red)[wait -- where did the [[knife->knife is missing]] go?]]] [[<-->kitchen]]

(if: $drunk > 3)[(either: "You give him a great big hug!","You greet him enthusiastically.")] you find it difficult to read Alex's mood these days. is he enjoying himself? is he happy to see you? you can't tell. "Hi," he says. "hey" he notices the coat in your hand. "Going somewhere?" "it's getting late. i'm ready to head home." it's true. You're tired of the crowded house, hot and unpleasant. You're also not eighteen anymore, and bed is looking really appealing. alex looks at you, and it (if: $drunk > 3)[itches along your skin like bug legs.](else:)[itches along your skin like bug legs.] "I have something for you," he says. "i'm really not-" you notice the knife (if: $knife is "missing")[(click-replace: "the knife")[the knife]] in his hand. [[you freeze->You freeze.]]

shivers run hot(mouseout-replace: "hot")[(colour: red)[hot]] and cold (mouseout-replace: "cold")[(colour: blue)[cold]] over your body. You //[[hate knives]]//. a hand grips your shoulder, holding you still(click-replace: ", holding you still")[ but you couldn't move if you tried]. Alex raises the knife. why is no one stopping this? it. rushes. (live: 2s)[(display: "Down")]

[[<img src="mad.gif">->confession]] [[<-->You freeze.]]

(transition: "shudder")[DOWN](stop:) (mouseover-append: "DOWN")[ it feels like a punch. it feels like a kiss. through the prism of tears in the corners of your eyes you can see it's buried to the [[hilt.]]]

his other hand guides you to the floor (mouseover-append: "floor")[ (it's hard)] as your knees weaken. some people are turning to look at you. (mouseover-append: "look")[ (they look bored. assholes)] alex draws his hands away. the gush of blood will be (colour: red)[hot]. soon the screams will start. [[but nothing happens->Nothing happens.]]

he turns over the hand with the knife. the blade flat against his palm. turned away at the last second, concealed by sleight of hand, blurred(mouseout-replace: "blurred")[(text-style: "blurrier")[blurred]] by your terror. "See?" you do see. you let your head fall back against the hardwood floor. [[tears->Tears]] quiver your on your lower lids, but you refuse to let them fall. [[this is how it ends for the first time->This is where it ends for the first time.]]

you always cry when you're angry [[<-->Nothing happens.]]

HELLERI: So my client did not stab you. YOU: No. HELLERI: He //pretended// to stab you. YOU: Yes. HELLERI: By your own admission, you were drunk. None of the other party-goers noticed anything was amiss. YOU: No one reacted the way I thought they would. HELLERI: Is it possible that you overreacted? That you were, in fact, not in danger? YOU: He knew I was afraid. HELLERI: Did he? By your own words, he had choked you. He had punched you. Why were you around him at all? YOU: ... HELLERI: [[March]], then. Skip ahead to: [[April]]

''April 15 20xx'' kate and Murphy invite you over to their house to celebrate the end of their exams. kate's boyfriend will be there, and alex too. they plan to join the century club and need a time-keeper.(click-append: "time-keeper")[ (you don't drink much these days or at all, really)] probably after the first half-hour, they'll need someone with steadier hands to pour. you figure it's better if someone sober is there in case things go wrong. [[you big fuckin idiot->You big, fucking idiot.]]

everyone is glad to see you because it means the party can get started. they've set out nine shot glasses, a case of beer and a bottle opener for you. you keep time on your cell phone. every minute, everyone takes another shot of beer. You set your stopwatch. (set: $counter to 12) ... |amount1>[$counter] seconds till the next drink! (live: 1s)[ (set: $counter to it - 1) (if: $counter is 0)[(stop:) (goto: "Ten Drinks In")] (replace: ?amount1)[$counter] ]

so far, so good. (set: $counter to 12) ... |amount2>[$counter] seconds till the next drink! (live: 1s)[ (set: $counter to it - 1) (if: $counter is 0)[(stop:) (goto: "Twenty Drinks In")] (replace: ?amount2)[$counter] ]

things are starting to get a little boisterous. teary reminisces about moving out of residence in a few weeks. back slapping bro hugs. that kind of thing. (set: $counter to 15) ... |amount3>[$counter] seconds till the next drink! (live: 1s)[ (set: $counter to it - 1) (if: $counter is 0)[(stop:) (goto: "Thirty Drinks In")] (replace: ?amount3)[$counter] ]

you're lining up the (text-style: "blur")[sticky] shot glasses to pour rounds thirty one and thirty two ahead of time, when alex says, "Ah, I never did anything she wasn't asking for, right, ______?" beer slops onto the table, causing consternated yelling. (set: $counter to 15) ... |amount4>[$counter] seconds till the next drink! (live: 1s)[ (set: $counter to it - 1) (if: $counter is 0)[(stop:) (goto: "You are pissed")] (replace: ?amount4)[$counter] ]

you (transition: "shudder")[slam] the bottle you're holding on the coffee table hard enough to crack. then what? [[get your phone->Grab your phone]] [[run to the bathroom->Lock yourself in the bathroom]]

thinking quickly, for once in your life, you snatch your phone off the table (set: $havephone to 'true'), and head for the [[bathroom->Lock yourself in the bathroom]].

you lock the bathroom, and for good measure, sit on the floor, with your back against the door and your feet braced against the tub.(mouseout-append: "tub")[ just in case.] now what? {(if: $havephone is 'true')[Maybe you can [[phone a friend?]]]} (else:)[you choose to scream obscenities at alex through the door until [[Kate comes over.]]]

you ring your best mate, but there's no answer, just her cheery voice mail message. (click: "message")[she's saying "You know what to do!", but if you did, you wouldn't be in this mess, huh? you decide to scream obscenities through the door until [[Kate comes over.]]]

kate uses a master touch learned in social Work to coax you out, and escorts you to the front door so you can leave. "I know things are rough with you and Alex," she says. she squeezes your arm. "Things will calm down over the summer." this is the closest anyone's gotten to acknowledge something is wrong. "she can't leave!" alex shouts. "It's (text-style: "smear")[dark] [[outside.->dark outside.]]"

your face is a mask, ice cool(mouseout-replace: "ice cool")[(text-colour: "blue")[ice cool]] and comforting against the hot-knife(mouseout-replace: "hot-knife")[(colour: "red")[hot-knife]] smile that causes even kate to recoil a bit. "if anyone tries it with me tonight, they won't stand a chance." [[you leave->You Leave]]

when you get home, the purge begins.(click-append: "begins.")[ first to go are the emails. that's easy! click, click, click. gone. (click-append: "gone.")[ an hour later, a bunch of small, sentimental items are rattling around the bottom of a dumpster down the street. (set: $counter to 15) Returning to the courtroom in |amount4>[$counter]... (live: 1s)[ (set: $counter to it - 1) (if: $counter is 0)[(stop:) (goto: "April")] (replace: ?amount4)[$counter] ]] ]

you're so caught up the orgy of deletion that you blocked him on MSN in the middle of his conversation to you. {(live: 2s)[ (replace: "blocked him on")[went (text-colour: white)[invisible] in] (replace: " MSN")[ ICQ] (stop:)]} the phone [[rings]].

"hOW FUCKING DARE YOU INTERRUPT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU--" why did you even bother with caller ID if you don't check it before picking up the phone? you place the phone down gently in the cradle. unplug the phone from the wall? [[y->yes]][[/n->yes]] [[Continue]]

silence is golden. [[<-->rings]]

YOU: That was it. HELLER: But you still saw and spoke to each other regularly? YOU: It couldn't be helped. We both attended the same classes. We worked the same job. (text-style: "subscript")[(text-style: "rumble")[there was no escape.]] HELLER: But you had no voluntary contact. YOU: not if I could avoid it. HELLER: When was the last time you spoke? YOU: Six years ago, or so. HELLER: No further questions.(set: $outcome to 1) [[thank god]]

He took your advice to heart about his ex-girlfriend, and things are going well. You scour pawn shops together for cheap VHS movies to watch on your tiny TV. You find emo music on your computer that he downloaded, and delete it. He finds the (either: "k-pop", "punk", "pop", "Yanni", "folk") you download on his, and deletes it. You watch pro-wrestling and argue about the degrees of fakeness. [[<-->choking incident]]

you thought you [[dreamed]] you thought you pissed yourself before you died you thought he loved you [[you thought ->Tap Out]]

COURT CLERK: Court is in recess for deliberation. Reconvene at (current-time:). (if: $outcome > 1)[ [[It's time for the verdict.]]] (else:)[It's over. You've done what you can. The best you can hope for is: [[to never have to think about this again]] [[justice]] [[a calm heart]] [[the tears of your enemy]]]

(set: $outcome to it +1) there's a folded up newspaper in the green room, braying the headline ###VERDICT TODAY IN CONTROVERSIAL CORBETT CASE! you will probably be thinking about it a lot in the nights to come. [[<-->thank god]]

(set: $outcome to it +1)you rake over your memories: pitted, spotted, smeared and flickering. you don't even know what's real anymore. you doubt the judge knows any more than you do. [[<-->thank god]]

(set: $outcome to it +1)you can't remember a time when your heart wasn't a satellite crashing to the earth [[<-->thank god]]

(set: $outcome to it +1)you want him to cry when they read the verdict. or faint. or both. why not both? reach for the moon. [[<-->thank god]]

###CORBETT NOT GUILTY! JUDGE FOUND CROSS-EXAMINATION 'DAMNING' "An inability to recall the sequence of such traumatic events from over a decade ago is not very surprise and in most instances, it would be of little concern. However, what is troubling about this evidence is not the lack of clarity, but rather, the shifting of facts from one telling of the incident to the next. Each differing version of the events was put forward by this witness as asincere and accurate recollection," says judge. "When a witness is comfortable with giving differing versions of the same event, it suggestion a degree of carelessness with the truth that diminishes the reliability of the [[witness->it's not over]]."

"The harsh reality is that once a witness has been shown to be deceptive and manipulative in giving their evidence, that witness can no longer expect the court to consider them trusted source of the truth. I am forced to conclude that it is impossible for the court to have sufficient faith in the reliability or sincerity of this complainant. Put simply, the volume of serious deficiencies in the evidence leaves the court with a reasonable [[doubt->to Corbett's guilt]]."

Adds the judge, "The victim, ________, however, is without a doubt, guilty of being angry, misguided, vengeful, depressed. All around, one of the poorest examples of a survivor I've seen." [[<img src="gaslight2.gif">->Introduction]] [[fin->Introduction]]

[[<img src="gaslight1.gif">->Start]] [[start->Start]] [[warning!!]] [[land acknowledgement->acknowledgement]] [[credits and thanks]] <a href="https://playmoss.com/en/furybroad/playlist/i-m-you-but-weaker" target="_blank">soundtrack</a>

this is a game about physical abuse, inside and outside the court system. //it is designed to make you feel crazy// //i'm you but weaker// uses text, images and sound to mimic the ways in which both the courts and abusers mess around inside your head to compound trauma, making you doubt yourself, your memories and your feelings. it's a memoir and love letter to all survivors out there. there are glitchy and flashy text and images contained in this game. if for any reason, the experience is getting too much, you can always hit the escape hatch found on every passage to leave and play a much more pleasant game. [[<3->Introduction]]

''(print: '<a href="https://store.steampowered.com/curator/35411526/" target="_blank">escape</a>')''

this game was created on the traditional territory of the Haudenosaunee, Anishnaabe, and Neutral peoples. i would be remiss to not mention the on-going trauma caused by colonialism in a game about the trauma facing survivors of abuse and injust systems. of the land granted in the Haldimand tract to compensate the Six Nations of the Grand River for their role in the American Revolutionary War and loss of territories in New York, less than 5% remains in the hands of Six Nations, with the other 95% consumed by settlers and agents of colonialism. for more information, please see ''<a href=http://www.lspirg.org/knowtheland/>Know the Land</a>'' [[<-->Introduction]]

thank you to <a href="http://www.glorioustrainwrecks/">leon arnett</a>, <a href="http://auntiepixelante.com/">anna anthropy</a> and <a href=http://slimedaughter.com/">porpentine</a> for opening the world of twine to me and <a href="http://merrittk.com/">merritt kopas</a> for "videogames for humans". thanks to <a href="https://twitter.com/_wholesomegames">wholesome games</a> for being such an awesome and welcoming space and letting me use their curated page as an escape hatch. thanks to everyone who's ever trusted me with a story, a bruise, a phone call. i love you and i'm here for you. credit to dickbag(click-replace: "dickbag")[(text-style: "strike")[dickbag]] judge horkin from the jian ghomeshi trial for the words i lifted directly from his closing statements. [[<-->Introduction]]

alex snaps his book shut. "We're studying, Anna." "Right. Sorry!" finally. silence. (live: 4s)["So, after she's called my manager, the lady decides [[she doesn't want a refund after all!]]"]

(colour: #ff0066)[a sharp pain flowers at the base of your skull] (colour: black)[(text-style: "rumble")[(if: $study is "palestine")[The Declaration, signed in 1917, was the basis of](else-if: $study is "rwanda")[The withdrawal of colonial forces created a vaccuum in the](else:)[Something something the state of Being resides in]]] "dude, did you just //punch// me? what the fuck?" alex isn't looking at you. Anna's mouth is open as she takes everything in. his arm, cocked, veins popping as he cracks his knuckles. your hair spilling over your face and pooling in the crack of your textbook. "Everytime you open your mouth, I'm [[gonna hit her]]."

"Why would you do that-?" stars burst behind your eyes "Alex, stop!" something breaks inside "[[anna, shut. up.]]" you hiss.

either she doesn't get it or she doesn't care. eventually, you leave the lounge, trying not to wobble visibly as the door closes behind you, you see alex slump down, sucking on a knuckle as he goes back to taking notes. you make it to the garbage pail in your room before vomiting silently. [[don't cry->January]]

<img src="noknife.gif"> [[<-->table]]

it was //one time// you went too far, were too dead inside to care, and alex took the knife from you, knowing you hated them, soothed you with words and touch "stay with me, don't leave me alone" [[<-->You freeze.]]

{(live:700ms)[mark got into a fight this weekend(stop:)] (live:5s)[(display: "Wow scary")(stop:)] (live:10s)[(display: "turned okay")(stop:)] (live:15s)[(display: "ur next")(stop:)] (live:20s)[(display: "assumption")(stop:)] (live:25s)[(display: "don't get hurt")(stop:)] (live:30s)[(display: "fine thanks")(stop:)]} [[<-->How do you feel]]

{(live:700ms)[''Wow that's so scary!''(stop:)]}

{(live:700ms)[it turned out okay(stop:)]}

{(live:700ms)[''what if he hits U next??''(stop:)]}

{(live:700ms)[that's one hell of an assumption(stop:)]}

{(live:700ms)[''i just don't want you to get hurt''(stop:)]}

{(live:700ms)[i'll be fine, thanks(stop:)]}

HELLERI: How did that make you feel? [[Say nothing]]. [[Give a straight answer]]. [[Give a sarcastic answer]].